Clickbait and Switch

Humans are immensely complex creatures. Psychologists, sociologists, economists, behaviorists, neurologists, political scientists, etc… have been trying to unravel what makes us tick for centuries. Well, good news nerds! Some enterprising young internet genius has cracked the code. Turns out all you need to know is what someone enjoys on their pizza. That’s all. Just pizza toppings. For example, if you like Hawaiian pizza, you’re laid-back, self-confident and quirky. What about boring pepperoni? That would make you caring, uncomplicated and fun.

The best part is that no matter what you like on your pie, it says something positive about you. You never have to worry that liking mushrooms on your pizza makes you a duplicitous, unemployable grifter. Nope. You’re open, earthy and giving.

Essentially, internet clickbait creators are utilizing the same deception that’s served fortune tellers and astrologists well for eons. Tell people what they want to hear, and you’ll never go broke.

But what if they didn’t? What if clickbait was honest? What if I wanted to learn which Hollywood celebrity I looked like, and instead of Leonardo Dicaprio or Brad Pitt, it told me I looked like Steve Buscemi after a bout of food poisoning?

Where will I retire? The Maldives? Tiara del Feugo? Nope. It’ll be a used mobile home near a swamp south of Birmingham.

What color is my energy? Is it red to represent my power and strength? Wrong again. It’s mummy-skin gray because I’m weak and ineffectual.

Of course, it hardly matters. Good or bad, I’m clicking anyway.

Do I want to know what the cast of Baywatch looks like now? Of course I do.


Do I want to know which cartoon character is my soul mate? Yep.


Do I want to know what bird resembles my spirit? Not really.

-click anyway-

Maybe we’re not so complex after all.

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