Wildly Enthusiastic Morons

2df01-pantera-metal-magic

I don’t think I’ll never stop being fascinated by bad album art. A bad album cover is the perfect representation of my favorite comedy premise, the shared delusion of a group of wildly enthusiastic morons. Few things are funnier than a group of self-important idiots who have convinced themselves that something undeniably awful is actually pretty cool. This Is Spinal Tap and other “mockumentaries” are based almost entirely on this setup. Of course, in the real world this sort of thing is probably a rare phenomenon, right? Not in the heavy metal world. In fact, it’s shockingly common. Here are a few of my favorites…

Black Sabbath
Forbidden (1995)

Sabbath’s 18th album may have been titled Forbidden, but it just as easily could have been called Death Incarnate Waits in the Food Court While Mrs. Reaper Shops for Purses.

Messiah
Extreme Cold Weather

This is how Swiss death metal pioneers remind you to wear a sweater. Subtlety and metaphor where not their forte.

Pantera
Metal Magic

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Not this one. I only have 4 words for this. Is the belt necessary?

Metalucifer
Heavy Metal Chainsaw (2001)

This album cover appears to capture a man in the midst of a terrifying work-related accident. Tragedy aside, this is actually the second in a trilogy of albums that include Heavy Metal Drill and Heavy Metal Bulldozer. I wish I was kidding. What separates normal drills, chainsaws and bulldozers from the heavy metal variety remains unclear.

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